shieldborne | For magpiemythos

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For magpiemythos

((continued from here))

After a confusing, worrisome evening spent together, Steve seems to feel he and Loki have hit some kind of new level in their friendship. He's less wry and cagey, a little more overly solicitous and warm; still, in the cold light of day he's a lot more awkward about both physical and emotional intimacy, and if Loki reverts to his usual teasing banter, Steve will fall into the same comfort zone.

He thinks about him often when he's not there, though. Hoping he's found a safer, kinder way to fight his demons. Fearing he hasn't, and feeling helpless to do anything more about that than he already has. At least now, Loki won't have to initiate all their contacts. He'll get occasional texts and calls from Steve, asking if he wants something at a store, if he's seen x or y movie, whether he's all right.

The others are a little bemused about Steve's increasingly less subtle interest in their otherworldly acquaintance. Some of them are openly skeptical, afraid he could be being played, but since no one has anything against Loki, it remains a topic of quiet, civil debate.

It's early in the evening this time when Steve texts Loki. Just a brief note, and he doesn't entirely expect a response: They're trying to convince me to get a tattoo of a bald eagle with a tear running down its face. It's a conspiracy, they're all in on it.

I doubt it would last long with my healing factor even if I did.

How's your evening going?

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"Maybe not, but I want to punch his lights out," Steve actually growls a little. "And maybe warn the club they've got a predator hanging around."

Huff. "But I don't want to embarrass you, either, I guess. What..."

Sigh. Once again, Steve reminds himself that Loki's weaknesses and flash points aren't entirely his business, and his sexual liaisons really aren't his business. He's overstepping. But then, he's also in bed half-naked with him, so overstepping might be a given at this point. "What did he say to you? That's what's got you tied up in knots, isn't it? He picked you apart psychologically, not physically."

Something about Steve getting protective over him? It was nice in some way, and did serve to make Loki feel a bit better, a little more secure. And he had to admit, the man did have a point. Better the club know and keep the guy from sinking claws into anyone else like this.

"It'd take more than this to embarrass me." And really if he'd wanted to completely keep Steve away from this he'd never have opened the gates by showing up the first time anyways. "He's just... perceptive. Skimmed things until he found the ones that were sensitive and then honed in on them pretty pointedly. Nothing I haven't told myself a million times, not that it helped much in that situation."

"Sweetheart," Steve sighs and squeezes him tighter. In fact, if Loki were human, this hug might be a little too tight. Steve's strong, and feeling protective right now.

"And people call me reckless. You told me you were made of stories. Don't let people use words against you." Okay, so maybe Steve is misinterpreting how all this works, or maybe he's just naive. But judging from how shaken Loki seems to be by this experience, he doesn't think he's 100% wrong.

"Tell me," he goes on. "Whatever it is you've been telling yourself so much. Tell me, and then let it go and stop repeating it."

For Loki, that tight, secure sort of hug was just what the doctor ordered. He certainly didn't mind how tight it was, and it wasn't like Steve would hurt him on accident.

"Letting it go..." He paused, grimacing faintly before he shook his head, lips quirking to a small, almost sad smile. "Not as easy as you might think in this case. And I'm pretty sure telling you about it won't be endearing myself to you in any way."

And yes, he was terrified of that idea. That he might tell the truth of himself, the whole truth, and Steve might rethink whatever it was they were. Not that he would blame him in that case, he'd done awful things, but the idea of it still hurt.

Steve isn't sure what to say. He's not certain he can truly promise whatever Loki's done won't change anything. He wishes he could. Still, Steve knows he's biased toward forgiveness for the people he loves best. He'd spend the rest of his life trying to clear Bucky's name from the crimes the Winter Soldier committed. There's a good chance no matter what Loki tells him, he'll want to care for him and forgive him regardless.

"I don't want to force you," he says softly. "But you're going to keep torturing yourself, aren't you, if you don't let it out in some other way? I think you might be going about penance the wrong way."

His grip doesn't relax, since it seems Loki doesn't mind the tight hold on him. "But either way, I'll take care of you as long as I can."

"...Are you sure you want to hear it?" Said softly, some of that fear slipping out despite himself, a fear of what the truth might change here. "I spoke this truth before you know. To Thor. My Thor anyways."

A slight wave of his hand lightly as if dismissing that line of thought before he continued on in a cautious sort of manner.

"The only thing that kept him from killing me was a promise to someone far better than I am. But he left me to Asgard's justice with that truth, and the only thing that stayed their hands was the idea that murdering me would be beneath them. Are you still sure you want this truth Steve?" He could likely hear the bitter hurt in Loki's tone as he spoke, something deep and biting that likely would never fade.

Steve knows Thor has a temper. The god of fucking thunder is bound to. Still, it both disappoints and frightens him to hear Loki say this. As far as he can tell, the Thor he knows has done anything and everything possible to avoid killing the Loki of this world, and given the terrible things he's done, that says a lot.

Of course, he did also take him back to Asgard for punishment, and Steve isn't clear on how severe that could have been.

It's interesting, the way Loki's tone has changed. Challenging, sharper, bitter and chilly. And as much as Steve wants to coddle him and pretend everything is all right and will be all right, he needs to hear that tone, needs to see that sharper side, needs to know, once and for all, if he can be for this man what he thinks he can be. What Loki needs.

But Steve is honest to a fault. "How can I be sure?" He says softly. "I don't know how bad it is, or how it will make me feel. But I do know we're all a mix of good and bad, and even if it hurts to hear about what's bad within you, I need all of it. I want you, Loki. Not just the bright parts. Let me see everything."

"Very well." There was a visible shift in his posture, even curled against Steve as he was, as if a weight were settling onto his shoulders in that moment. But even still there was a moment of silence that stretched out, like Loki was trying to drum up the courage to actually say the words.

"I killed an innocent child." Voice carefully neutral, but the gaze that shifted Steve's way wasn't as flat as he'd like to think it was, not with the guilt all but screaming around inside him. "That it was a younger self, that I might as well have been the murder weapon matters not. He was good. He was good in a way I don't think I've ever been or ever will be after him, he was loved by everyone. He was better than I'll ever be, and my first moments as a whole being were with his blood on my hands."

His nerve for how coldly he could give this information, short and ill-explained as it might be seemed to falter, and Loki's gaze turned away again, a small, uncertain shrug accompanying the shift.

"Take that as you will."

The words by themselves make his blood run cold. But a story is more than the sum of its words, and Steve is listening with all of his senses. He can feel tension singing in the line of Loki's body, can hear how carefully even he's keeping his voice...everything in white-knuckled, ferocious control.

The details don't make much complete sense. A younger self? Steve understands the idea of a person being made to be a weapon, though. He's still looking for Bucky. The Winter Soldier.

More than that, though, he's looking into the younger man's eyes, and what he sees, rather than chilling him, just makes his heart ache. "Maybe instead of torturing yourself, you should honor his loss, and his sacrifice," he says, and his voice is low and even and sober. It's not a dismissal of the crime, not a platitude, but it's also not a condemnation.

He shifts his arms a little, cradling Loki closer with one while moving the other to stroke his cheek. "I won't pretend that's not terrible. But I'm not going to try to hurt you for it, either."

Not only that, he's not letting to or leaving, as evidenced by the fact that he's still holding him, and petting him.

Loki wasn't sure what he was expecting. This was somewhere on the list to be sure, given it was Steve, but at the same time it was surprising all the same. He didn't feel he deserved a chance like this, a chance to be better.

"You'd be the first then..." Said quietly after a long moment, the cold, controlled mask he'd hidden behind during his confession starting to crumble as he tilted his head into that light touch, craving the offered affection. The reassurance in the gesture that Steve didn't seem to hate him for what he'd done. Disappointed sure, he could believe it, and honestly it wasn't the worst thing someone could feel about him. At least it meant they cared. And that they thought he could do better, be better.

Now it was just a matter of convincing him that being better was something he could do.

"Babydoll," Steve can see the mask cracking around the edges, and the aching self-loathing bubbling up beneath. He breathes the term of endearment quietly, sighs, and then murmurs again, "You're gonna be okay, doll. I'm still here, and I'm not going to leave you."

Eventually, he's going to want further details, probably, but it seems like Loki's been pushed enough tonight. "We'll figure it out from here. You can find a way of doing penance that won't leave you broken."

He kisses his forehead again. "I've got you."

Even at the end of his emotional rope, Loki liked that. The little terms of endearment, the quiet reassurances that they'd get through this. The idea that he wasn't alone with it anymore. At the very least he seemed to be settling somewhat, easing back from that painful brink into something a bit more secure, with Steve's help and comfort.

He could tell that Steve was backing off, leaving the rest of the unpleasant details and questions for another time. Part of him bristled at the idea of being handled so delicately, but the larger part of him was comforted by that consideration, appreciated it, especially accompanied by the promises to stay.

"I... I think I'll be okay." Said quietly, a soft assessment to let Steve know in kind that his efforts were helping. "So long as you stay."

Partly it's for Steve's own sake that he's backing off. He can do this; he can reach out and care for a friend, can listen like a counselor and soothe and sympathize, but his emotional energy has its limits. He needs to think about what he's been told a little. He hasn't made any promises to Loki he can't keep, though, and he's deeply relieved to realize that.

It's a terrible, terrible thing he's just confessed, but even the simplistic way he's told it to Steve tells him there's more to it than he understands. He can be patient, and forgiving, and tender.

"I'm going to hold you to that," he tells him softly. "Because I'm staying. D'you want some water? Food?"

Whatever the reason it does help. Loki can only handle being emotionally honest for so long, even with Steve. The idea that the man needs to process the admittedly heavy information he'd been given? Wouldn't surprise him either. And in some ways he did appreciate that he was trying, instead of going with knee-jerk horror and outrage.

It just cemented Loki's confidence in the man.

"I suppose something to eat wouldn't be amiss..." He didn't feel especially hungry, but he knew it was better to eat, and it would give them both a different focus for the moment. Something constructive to do.

"Mmhm. Should I try to cook something up for you? I'm okay with pancakes and things like that." Steve is evidently ready to turn this into some kind of adorable date night in. However, Loki should be worried about letting him have free reign in the kitchen. He's not exactly the greatest cook.

"Unless you'd prefer to order something." His grip on him is easing a little again, not because he especially wants to let go, but because it doesn't seem quite as essential that he cling as fiercely as he has been. Loki wants him here, after all. He doesn't think his godling friend is a flight risk at the moment.

"With blueberries, yes." Loki was perfectly content with the shift in tone to things. And with mooching a meal out of Steve, for all the food would come from his kitchen and he had no idea just how badly things could go giving Steve reign of that domain. Oh well, he'd learn soon enough.

And he certainly wasn't a flight risk at this point. Relaxing a bit more as things seemed to settle for the moment with a faint grin, glad to let it slip into a more casually affectionate air instead of the charged alarm of before. This was good. Just something normal and sweet after everything that had happened.

"With blueberries." He repeats, just a little incredulous at the order, and then laughs. "You're lucky I'm sweet on you. You're kind of a brat."

He kisses his cheek and disengages himself slowly, getting up to head to the kitchen. "Do you want to come along and watch? Make sure I don't burn down your kitchen?"

"Well you did ask." And he was well aware that he was a brat, that wasn't any sort of surprise on his end. And the comment that Steve was sweet on him? Earned a low, pleased sort of laugh in turn, the trickster quite happy to disentangle from his spot once Steve was no longer settled in.

"What if I just came along so I could continue hogging your attention? I trust you're not about to torch my kitchen."

If he had thought that accusation would truly offend Loki, Steve wouldn't have said it, but since it apparently doesn't he'll stand by the comment. He rolls his eyes, grinning at the same time, and nods.

"Sure, that sounds reasonable." And if Loki wants to get a longer and more relaxed opportunity to look at Steve's legs, this is probably a good time, while he's cooking for him in his underwear. "You can tell me where everything is."

As if that truth would ever offend him. Loki took great care in being the very best brat he could be, and definitely enjoyed people's exasperation when faced with it. That Steve was so good-natured and patient with him only spoke well of him and helped to endear him to the trickster.

"As if I'd ever be anything but reasonable." Said with a pleased sort of grin as he paused to help at least a little bit; pulling out things Steve might need or want for his pancake expedition before slouching carelessly into a seat.

And yes he was going to admire the view, because goodness but Steve has a lovely set of legs for the admiring.

"Promise?" He asks Loki with a wry smile. "To stay reasonable?"

He won't hold him to it, either way. Theoretically, he supposes there's such a thing as a reasonable brat, even if it does sound like a slight contradiction in terms.

Steve's intentions seem to be to make the batter from scratch, rather than a mix, and he actually spends a little while forlornly looking for a flour sifter before he begins mixing. His methods are just a bit outdated, but as long as all the ingredients are present, he'll get there.

He tilted his head at that, smile turning to something a bit soft, considering.

"I promise... to try and be reasonable, yes." Steve likely knew how dear such a thing was- Loki didn't like to actually make promises, especially those he might break, and with how mercurial his moods and behavior could be, a promise of always being reasonable was destined for failure. But this... this he could do. He could try, both for his own sake, and for the sake of the man smiling his way.

And he was feeling generous enough that he didn't tease Steve for that forlorn seeking, knowing that he'd pulled down everything needed for the task.

Steve wasn't expecting an affirmative response, actually, and he gives Loki a bright little smile for it. "Hey, all I can ask is that you try."

He's amused, actually, but the softness creeping into Loki's expression also makes him feel strangely warmer.

Steve mixes up the batter and folds in blueberries, letting it stand while he lets the griddle heat. "Should I make coffee or cocoa or something too? I could probably handle the coffee, myself."

Even before the alarming text exchange that brought him here, Steve was pretty sure this was going to be one of those nights where he doesn't sleep much. He might as well enjoy the coffee at that rate, especially since now he wants to sit up with Loki.

Loki couldn't help that swell of delight when he noticed that his agreement to that promise seemed to make Steve happy. It was a start of a trend, he'd noticed, that want to see Steve smile and know it was because of him, and he couldn't say he minded it.

And if he slipped from his chair to come over and steal a few blueberries before they all went into the batter, well that was no real surprise.

"Well, I can get the coffee at the very least." Something constructive to do anyways, rummaging through one of the cabinets. "Any requests?"

Steve is tempted to toss berries at him, just because, but he refrains for the moment. Loki, he thinks, would take very readily to the encouragement to have a food fight, and Steve's not sure he's ready to commit to chasing him around the apartment with pancake batter, let alone the cleanup that might be needed afterward.

"Requests? Like, you have more than one kind of coffee?" Steve looks thoughtful. "I like hazelnut, if you do. But I'll drink whatever." After wartime army coffee, even cheap modern joe is nectar and ambrosia.

((just ignore my typos))

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